So I'm officially ancient: I turned 25 last month.

No one ever asks me for ID anymore, except for when I get caught attempting to sexually assault 17 year-old boys. And 17 year-old boys look at me like I'm a desperate spinster, and I wasn't even that drunk when I climbed over their fence.

I'm too old even for the middle-aged men who used to love to hit on me; my hot tottie status is all used up, like the anti-wrinkle cream I stole from my mum's bathroom.

It's over, man. I'm past my prime. All that's sitting between me and old age now is fruitcake, cankles and 'the change'.

I've taken to hanging out with the 50+ crowd to make me feel better about myself, and during our conversations, I notice the same subjects often crop up. Mostly because they're old and they forget they've already told me everything that has ever happened to them, but also because a lot of us are going to encounter the same events as we move through our lives, especially when it comes to our health.

We've all got our own medical quirks, but there are a few health concerns that are pretty standard issue. All these oldies are dealing with the same stuff - and trying to change their lifestyles to improve their health after it's already taken a hit.

So if I'm just a matter of decades from being like them, doesn't it make sense to take action now to try and beat the system?

And this is why I win at life.

High blood pressure

A major risk factor for nasty stuff like heart disease, stroke and heart failure, high blood pressure means your poor little heart has to pump harder than normal to keep your body working.

Luckily, there's a bunch of stuff you can do to help prevent it:

• Maintain a healthy weight (being overweight makes you about 6 times more likely to get it)
• Keep yourself physically active; yogging, not using the remote, etc.
• Attempt to lower your stress levels - avoid watching Michael Jackson's Thriller
  
• Cut down on salt and alcohol: one tequila slammer per fortnight

Potassium and omega-3 fatty acids are recommended as supplements to keep your heart healthy and protect yourself from the old HBP, too.

Joint issues

Just like an old house starts to creak and groan in stormy weather; it takes an old person three minutes to sit down.

Joint issues can be caused by injury or disease, but here are a few tips to keep your intersections sweet:

• Wear protective gear when playing sports, like ankle or knee braces. Kneepads are also a great way to fill out the awkward gap between your thigh and lower leg if you are obese.
• Keep your weight down - so, don't be obese - every one pound you lose takes four pounds of pressure off your knees
• Use 'range of motion' exercises, like swinging your arms around and yelling 'ROFLCOPTER'
• Eat foods that reduce inflammation, like salmon and flax seeds. In fact, salmon and flax seed puree can be frozen into cubes and served over straight vodka as a fun 'in between meals' snack.

Lack of skin elasticity

While probably not considered a 'health' issue, it's a notorious symptom of aging that'll turn your perfectly acceptable 'bingo wings' into meat flaps.

Here's how you can hold back the years:

• Quit smoking - it causes skin to age faster, and makes you smell like my highschool English teacher. You don't want to smell like him.
• Wear sunscreen everyday, at least SPF 15, especially if you're really white. Sun damage is a little bit racist.
• Drink plenty of water to keep your skin hydrated. If you struggle to get in eight glasses per day, have someone tow you behind a speedboat wearing 1-2kg ankle weights.
• Try facial exercises, like fake-smiling during a boring conversation.

Baldness

Another marginally health-related concern, baldness, known among smart-ass teenagers as 'chrome dome', most often affects men, but it can wreak follicular havoc with women too.

Take action now to increase your chances of having the nickname Silver Fox later in life:

• Cut down on the daily heat styling - be gentle, loving, and faithful to your hair or it will just pack its bags and shack up with that guy Rico from the barber shop. 
• Don't choose styles that tightly pull your hair, like tight ponytails or cornrows. But it would be pretty funny if you got cornrows.
• Reduce your stress levels: remember that episode of The Simpsons when Marge gets stressed and her hair falls out? See? Proven science.
• Check for hairlessness in your bloodline, and if evidence arises, process immediate adoption into a Greek family before you catch bald.

There are loads of good supplements you can get to improve the health of your hair too, like this Kardashian approved brand. What? Try and tell me they don't have good hair.